8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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