OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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