Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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