I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you win again, gameday.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
