that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
