im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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