i already hear my dad disowning me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
