the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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