my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I have demons in me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
