I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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