My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
