No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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