The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
