I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
