i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
