I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
