Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
