bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
