My first STD was from a foam party
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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