He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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