do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
