um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
