I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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