Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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