Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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