Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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