her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
