I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
