I wish I could punch you in the face.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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