Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
