Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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