As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
