she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
