I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
