You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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