hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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