she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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