I heard we made out
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
