So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
