i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
