It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
