dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
