Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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