Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
