How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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