didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sext me about skeletons
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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