This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
