so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
