R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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