One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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