there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
