Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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