I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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