I am puke
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
