Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
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I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
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Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.