dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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