My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
