You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
