Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
