I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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