I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
